My God, It's Full of Words!

Have you ever seen The Fairly Oddparents? It's one of my favorite cartoons to come out... I wanted to say recently, but then I realized it's at least ten years old now. But anyway, there is one episode when Cosmo and Wanda (the fairies) can't grant wishes for a long time, and the inability to let the magic out causes them to get "magical backup" and explode into a pile of fairy dust.

This is basically what happens to me when I cannot write.

Usually it is lack of either time or inspiration that keeps me from writing. Lately, that is not the problem at all. The problem is that I feel like my head is so crammed full of thoughts that I cannot possibly organize them into words. Like, if you have a pot half full of soup, you can stir it easily, but if the pot is totally crammed full of ingredients you can only sort of feebly nudge it around. Right now my brain is like a pot crammed way too full of vegetables without any broth for them to float around in. And I need to dump it out.

But brains are harder to dump out than pots of soup, because there are only a few ways to dump them. You can do art if you're good at that. I'm not. I do words. But when I get magical backup I cannot make my thoughts into words. I have no idea if most people are like this or if it's an Aspie thing, but my thoughts don't start as words. They start as kind of incoherent goop and I have to translate them into words to get them to other people. Which is why I write more than I talk, because that gives me time to think about what I'm doing. It gives me a backspace key. I learned to write because I need to write, because I just can't fully express myself verbally sometimes.

But lately I'm having the same trouble with writing that I have with speaking. I try other ways to empty my brain. I tried meditating today but I ended up thinking too much and giggling at the way the guy doing the podcast says "your body." (Relax your booo-dy. You might start to feel warm in your boooo-dy.) I tried drinking some Kahlua after going down into the cellar and trying to fix the problem keeping us from having running water and realizing more than one pipe is broken. I try watching TV or listening to soft music or listening to loud music. The worst part is, I felt lonely today but I could barely talk to anyone because I just couldn't make the words. Nothing is helping. I wish my brain was like a trumpet and had a spit valve I could just dump out.

And I don't know how I've written so many words about not being able to make any words. I just have too many damn feelings. Feelings about my family, my friends, my job, the house I live in here, my house in Florida that I want to go visit soon and get some more stuff. Feelings about my body and my identity. Feelings about linguistics and architecture and middle school. They're just all so tangled and I can't sort them out and I can't put them anywhere until I do.