I really need to blog but there is a horrible clacking noise outside

This is a visual representation of what my brain is currently capable of being aware of. Think of it like one of those horrible tag clouds, except clicking on it won't force you to post it on your Facebook with a link to my blog (OR WILL IT?!):

I feel kind of bad now because I opened this with a mildly amusing MSPaint image and probably made you think I was going to write something quirky and whimsical that might make you think I was ripping off Allie Brosh or The Oatmeal, but instead I'm going to write about how I paid a bunch of bills today and how I'm mentally unstable and need therapy.

:D!!!!

No, I really did pay a bunch of bills today. That is the good news. I paid the property tax on my house in Florida, which had been hanging over my head like an angry frowning cloud of doom, and also my cell phone bill, and I put insurance on my car which I was supposed to do like four months ago. You would think after getting that many things off my chest my emotional state would be similar to that of Jimmy Buffet on laughing gas, but instead I am sitting here fending off an anxiety attack because:

• My housemates decided to listen to "Struttin' That Ass" while I was trying to decipher an insurance form
• Someone on Tumblr said something irritating
• While I was trying to complain to a friend about the thing on Tumblr that was irritating, Google Talk decided to shit its pants
  
• CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK

White people problems, I have them.

But no, seriously, I am way way oversensitive and have actually been having a really hard time emotionally these days. I am going to call tomorrow and try to make a therapy appointment. I've needed to do that for a long time, for various reasons, but lately I'm just freaking out way too often. The other night my roommate found me weeping on the couch for reasons I can't even remember now, although I'm pretty sure they boiled down to "everyone hates me and I will die alone". All of my emotional crises boil down to that, even when someone is clearly sitting right there demonstrating that they care about me.

The thing is, when I'm emotionally healthy I can be remarkably clearheaded, intuitive, even wise; I'm good at defending my beliefs, and people around me are even convinced I possess some sort of emotional tenacity that exceeds that of most people. When I'm emotionally healthy. When I'm not, which is far more of the time than I would like it to be, I am deeply insecure and ready to believe the worst of people. The more clear it would be to an unbiased observer that a person loves me, the more I become convinced they actually hate me and find me annoying and want me to go away. This of course tends to be really hurtful to those people because they are trying so hard to show they love me and I'm basically like "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" But the thing is, in that mental state, I really can't. No matter how loud or how often they express it. And that's scary.

So I'm going to get into some therapy. I really wish I had enough capacity for self-love* to be doing it for my own sake, but really I just want to stop hurting the people I love. In the meantime, I am trying to get into some more hobbies. I obtained a guitar via the means of someone in my house going "Here you can have this guitar nobody uses it," and I'm learning to play very slowly. I reorganized the craft closet so I can find art supplies when I want them. I'm trying to figure out how to get Minecraft to work on my computer, and I restarted Pokemon Pearl because I'm too cheap to buy the new gen. I've also been thinking my brain and body need more exercise, so I've been looking at math and physics videos on Khan Academy, and I want to find some sort of sport or martial art or dance or thing to learn. Anything to occupy myself with things that make me happy instead of just ruminating over all my fears all the time.


*Shut up, Kyle**

**I really enjoy the fact that adding a footnote telling Kyle to shut up resulted in Kyle following my blog