This Means War

Here's the thing: I have a demon living in my head, and I don't like it.

No, I'm not about to start vomiting pea soup. But I do have something, some part of my brain, which likes to attack me from time to time. Sometimes the attacks are very severe. Some have almost killed me. I've been putting up with this all my life and haven't really done all that much about it.

But lately it's been attacking my friends. And I have decided that that's where this ends. Demon, you are going down.

My previous attempts to fight back against this demon were more like halfheartedly swatting a fly because you know you're not going to hit it anyway. This time, it is war. And you don't win a war without some pretty serious strategic planning. So right now, I am attacking this thing from all sides.

I'm writing stuff just for me, where I used to never write unless it was going to be a public blog post. I've been doing 750 words every morning and a gratitude journal at night. I've also, in general, been trying to reach for a journal when I need to just dump my brain, and reach for friends when I actually need to talk to another person. Learning the difference between those things is a big thing for me.

I've been meditating every morning and every night before bed. I've also been going to church again - something I specifically stopped doing because I didn't respect myself enough to tell the hip, radical people around me that I go to church. And I've actually been talking to people at church! I forced myself to go introduce myself to the young adults group, whose meetings I now plan to attend. I'm making plans to actually become a member - something I was pursuing before I sort of fell off the wagon back in the winter. Tomorrow night, I'm going to some kind of "self-compassion" workshop. And I've scheduled a meeting to talk with the minister about some of the problems I'm having and about how to feel comfortable as a trans person in the congregation.

Now that it's (kind of) summer, I'm trying to get outside more. Today after work I went for a walk around the reservoir by my train stop, which helped a lot to burn off some angst. And I've been going to the park with a notebook and art supplies and lunch before work sometimes.

I'm still on a waiting list for therapy, and in the meantime I've found a support group that might help. I'm also trying to expand the pool of people I reach out to when I need help. When I first realized I was trans, I narrowed my circle of friends quite a bit, which resulted in me leaning on just a few people. Now that I'm out, I can - and really need to - talk to more people and give the ones who've already been helping me a break. More importantly, I'm focusing on spending time with people who accept me exactly as I am, not ones who only like me if I play along with their idea of who I should be.

And finally, I'm making sure I have stuff to look forward to. Now that I have Saturdays back off from work, I'm trying to fill them with fun things. My next three are filled with Memorial Day and Pride activities, and then I can figure out more stuff from there.

So those are my plans for winning this war. Give up now, demon. You cannot win.