To Me, At 13

I'm trying to learn how to like myself, and I think the first step in liking who I am now is to go back to the kid I used to be and tell her (because I was "her", then, although a lot of trans guys were "him" even wrapped up in that pink blanket in the hospital) how fucking awesome she was, even when no adults in her life were willing to do that. Thirteen was an age where I felt like nobody saw me for who I was, so I figured that was a good place to start.

Dear Self,

I just wanted to tell you what a cool kid I think you are. Yes, the real you, the one you think exists only in your room. I think you are really clever and beautiful and wise. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to explore religions besides Christianity. I'd love to take you to the big library in the city and get you lots of books on Wicca and Judaism and Buddhism and all the other religions you think are interesting.

I love your sense of style. I think you are so creative with your makeup and your clothes and the way you decorate your room. Don't give in to the pressure to do "pretty" makeup like the other girls! Anybody can put on blush and pink lipstick. Not everybody can do what you do. I am amazed at the ideas you come up with - red eyeshadow, silver nails, mixing Vaseline and eyeshadow to make blue lipstick? So cool. There are people whose job it is to do cool makeup like that, you know.

I also like your taste in music. I have noticed you are really drawn to music by guys who seem like they're both male and female, like Marilyn Manson and Boy George and Michael Jackson and Pete Burns. Do you ever feel like you wanna be a guy like that? Because that's okay. Those specific guys haven't lived their lives in the best ways, but I think you know that. I know Marilyn Manson appeals to you because he's intelligent and he's honest enough to say that the stuff adults tell you is bullshit. I know Boy George makes you want to stay far the hell away from heroin, not try it to be like him. It's about the gender stuff and the fashion and fucking the rules. Can I help you find more of that stuff? You shouldn't have to hide it away in your room! Come over and let's watch Rocky Horror and dress up like drag queens. I think you loving that stuff is so cool.

You make up the most brilliant, complex stories. I know you never tell them to anyone because they're around themes of mental illness and stuff like that, but I think stories like that are interesting. Have you ever read any Edgar Allen Poe or HP Lovecraft? Let's go to the library and pick out some of that, and maybe The Shining and A Clockwork Orange and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and maybe a biography of Vincent van Gogh. Some of the best literature and art in history centers around the dark side of human nature. I'd be happy to listen to you tell your stories anytime.

It's okay that you think about sex, and it's okay that you have a crush on your friend Heather. It's okay for a girl to like another girl and it's okay for a genderscrewed glam boy-girl with a vagina to like a girl. It's also okay if you're confused about the difference between a super good best friend and someone you want to go out with. Your body has a *lot of hormones* in it right now and I can pretty much guarantee everyone you know at school is confused too, even if they seem sure of themselves all the time.

If I could give you any advice, it would be to remember not to let go of who you used to be. This goth stuff is fun but I know you still love kittens and going to the beach and playing the piano and even sometimes playing with toys. That's okay! Everything you love to do is something you should do. Don't cut off any part of yourself to fit into somebody else's box.

I wish you had people in your life who you could tell all your deep thoughts to, because they're really brilliant and wise, especially for someone so young. I wish I could pull you out of school so you could spend all your time doing makeup and listening to music and reading about stuff you love. I wish I could take you to gaming stores and thrift shops and buy you a computer and take you to meet practicing Wiccans and professional makeup artists and take you to a record store. There is so much out there that you'd love. I want you to believe in who you are right now, because you are so cool, no matter what anybody says.