I poked through some old Facebook messages and discovered that the first time I told anyone I was questioning my gender was just about one year ago as of last week. The moment *I* realized it was just a day or two before that, so my best guess is that my "anniversary" is June 8th or 9th. I don't want to recap all the stuff that's changed since then, because I already did that on my Tumblr which is a bit more private. But I do want to recap the stuff that's happened this past week alone, because that's a lot all by itself.
Thursday I started gender therapy (as in, "sit on that couch and spill your guts" therapy - a trans kid on Tumblr thought I meant hormones) and then went and met with my minister to come out to her. Not that I was not out at church, per se, but I'd also never actually said to anyone that I'm trans or that I use male pronouns. So anyway, both those things went well and I felt really good about myself after.
Friday I baked rainbow cupcakes, and I got my first real masculine haircut (where "real" is defined as "one I didn't do myself in the bathroom with an electric clipper"). I was nervous about asking for a male haircut, but it went absolutely fine. I just went in and when they asked me how I want my hair cut I said "A little more masculine, but not cut too close" and the woman was just like "Okay so we'll trim this part here and then do this and this." Didn't flinch at all. And - okay, this will confuse everyone except Michael and Kyle, but I promise this matters - she cut my sideburns straight across, so I know I was not being treated like a woman. This is good.
Saturday I went to Pride service at church, and then marched with MTPC in the Boston Pride parade! I would like to say I marched proudly, but mostly I marched wetly and coldly because it was pouring and I didn't bring an umbrella, and nervously because a certain someone was late and missed the parade so I had to be all WOO LOOK I'M TRANS all by myself, and crankily because I had to pee so bad I ended up having to step out of the parade and go use a porta-potty in the park. So, I didn't exactly march proudly. But I marched, and that's what counts.
Sunday I went to a regular church service and for whatever reason, midway through the service I realized I want my middle name to be Aster. That's a big thing because not knowing my middle name was my biggest obstacle to pursuing a legal change. Now it's just a matter of fees and paperwork.
Monday I made the actual decision to go ahead and be Elisha at work so I can pursue the legal change, but I didn't get to bring it up that day because people were fighting and things were generally chaotic.
Tuesday I had another therapy session in which I came to some decisions about what changes I want to make long-term, including eventually coming out at work. I then went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of foods which are rich in zinc and B-vitamins, which ostensibly help raise testosterone levels, although frankly I know plenty of women whose diets are probably rich in those things and so far as I know none of them has grown a beard yet. Still, I figure it can't hurt, especially since I got foods which have a good amount of protein and I'm trying to do some strength-training*.
Also on Tuesday, I finally changed my name at work! I kind of did it as I was leaving, so it was awkward - my 14-year-old laughed at me, which he later explained was because "something weird was happening" and he didn't know how to react. But all was fine, and no one suspected it had anything to do with gender.
Wednesday (today) was my first day actually being Elisha at work. It was a bit awkward because one of the kids kept calling me "Alicia" and my poor 10-year-old kept trying to learn how to spell my new name but kept switching to my old name out of habit. Like, she'd ask how to spell Elisha and I'd help her type "El" and then her fingers would automatically go to other letters that are in my birth name, which I would probably find fascinating from a neurocognitive perspective if it weren't my kid and my name.
Tomorrow I'm going to tell my 14yo that it's okay to call me Elijah if that helps him remember not to call me Alicia. He called me like every possible variant today and will likely do so tomorrow, so if he tries Elijah I plan to mention that a lot of people say my name that way and I don't mind it. I'm not ready to come out yet, but I totally don't mind them knowing I'm okay being called a masculine name.
So! That's a lot of changes in a week, eh? I think I angsted over my identity for a long time and now I've hit a point where a lot of things are coming together all at once. It feels good.
*The strength-training, I want to add, is partly for +3 to manliness stat, but also largely an effort to continue being able to lift a rapidly-growing preteen at work. Strength-training is supposed to help raise testosterone, especially in conjunction with the zinc and protein, but again I know plenty of women who are pretty ripped, so this is questionable. I raise my eyebrow at it in a Spock-like manner, but I figure it's worth doing anyway. Muscles, like B12, are good whether they put more hair on your chest or not. (The third component of "natural transition" is supposed to be supplements, but fuck that, I'm not taking advice on supplements from people who think Hydroxycut is a good idea.)
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