I missed it

I see my friends the LaPorte/Sylvestres every few months or so. I have never mentioned this to them, but somehow every time we get together I get a sign from my mom. I'm not a particularly religious person, in the sense that I tend to be fairly agnostic in terms of what happens when people die. But I know a sign from Mama when I see it.

At the 5th anniversary party for the Harry Potter Alliance, which happened to be on the one-year-anniversary of my mom's death, there was the memorial for Esther Earl and then Harry and the Potters sang "You Were the Best We Ever Had" for Esther, and I could absolutely feel my mother there.

At the Harry Potter Yule Ball, the background music on the PA between bands was, inexplicably, my mother's favorite Elvis Christmas album, including "Peace in the Valley", which was her funeral song. So I know she was there, too.

(Lest you get the impression that maybe my mom has just chosen to spend the afterlife following wizard rock shows around, I should stop here and point out that she was not remotely interested in Harry Potter. I tried to get her into it, but made little progress. No, she definitely comes to see me when this one family is around. I don't know why.)

So I was looking forward to seeing them this weekend, because they are lovely people, but also because I just knew my mom would be around. So what sign did she leave me this time?

I don't know. I forgot to look.

I forgot to look. I didn't even remember until this morning. I was too caught up inside my own head, worrying about other shit. Lots and lots of things happened that day, and I could comb back over my memory and try to find the sign, but it's too late now. I have to feel it when it's actually happening.

I'm sorry, Mama. I know you were there. I'll have my priorities in line next time.

Incidentally, I did on one occasion get a clear sign from my mom when the LaPortes were not around. It was a few weeks ago, while I was folding laundry at work and listening to the 60s music channel on the TV. It started playing "Baby Don't Go" and I was like "Man, I haven't heard this song since I was a kid!" I remembered my mom liking it a lot... and when I looked up and saw that it was by Sonny and Cher, a bunch of stuff hit me at once. How much my mom loved Cher and wanted to be like her, ever since childhood, and how I knew when I came out as a lesbian my mom took comfort from knowing Cher had a daughter like me.

Mama didn't live long enough to know that Cher's daughter and her own daughter are both sons. I can't explain it, but right at that moment I knew my mom was telling me it was okay. Cher has a son like me and it's okay.

And to anyone who thinks I'm silly looking for signs from my mom through wizard rock concerts and Cher songs? All I can say is, you obviously never met Mama. That is exactly how she was.